And Another One

What a humbling ride it is when you finally start praying the prayers God whispers to the innermost parts of your heart. The prayers that scare you to recycle in your head, let alone utter from your lips. The prayers that immediately rattle your faith while simultaneously stirring it up a bit. When you finally align your thoughts with the thoughts God has for you, things begin to turn in ways unimaginable. 

God has allowed so much to go well in my life, yet there is still much that is required of me. I can never negate the yes I’ve given. 

To be honest, I’ve had a long season of feeling stuck. The feeling of heavily drudging my way through the thickest mud while in Crocs with slick bottoms out of sports mode. To be honest, I’ve been too much in my head, not allowing things to flow from my heart.

Feeling down. Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling anxious. Maybe a bit fearful even. Whatever it was that I was feeling, I knew for sure that it wasn’t where I was supposed to stay. It wasn’t a part of God’s plan for me. In the shower a few weeks ago, I prayed what I thought was a jokingly simple prayer. I fine-tuned it to the actual beat and sounded almost as good as the background singers for Wayne— “Let it all work out. Let it all work out.” I bellowed it from the pits of my stomach, and then left it there with a smile. Truthfully, I didn’t think much about it from that moment, but now that things are beginning to shift, I feel like that was one of those aligning prayers where I speak exactly what God whispers. 

My understanding and that of His are different, but we have a tremendous history, so I’m anchored. I trust His prayers.

When I close my eyes, steady my breathing, cast down the noise, and lock in, things seem to work in my favor. The journey isn’t easier, but my vision is clearer and my gaze is fixed. It almost feels like an exchange for what’s been heavy and dark for what’s light and hope-filled. I’m beginning to understand that the motion that happens between the exchange and where things settle feels a bit like pruning. You see, before things begin to settle, I’ve had days, weeks, months, years even, of being tossed around, misunderstood, tried, spoken ill of, lied on and lied to, gossiped about, abandoned, and even doubted. This kind of pressing can feel enormous when all you’ve desired is a closer walk and to be a better version of yourself. It can feel like the walls are quickly closing in and crashing down. 

It can feel lonely. 

It can feel chaotic. 

It can feel very… strange.. 

…And one day, it just begins to feel reassuring. 

The people-pleasing tendencies die, and you show up more authentically. 

That’s what it’s been for me. I am not everyone’s fine cup of chi tea, and that is okay. Some areas of childhood have made me feel the need to shrink. To allow too much access. To allow too many emotions to go unspoken. To apologize when I should be on the receiving end. To overanalyze and analyze again. At times, to even become defensive and try to protect the very heart God has given me. As things pivot, that time of my life is quickly fading. I’m rising, fearlessly. 

As God aligns my prayers with His purpose and whispers to me to speak, I’ll see exactly what He says. Does it feel a bit uncomfortable and unsettling at times? Yes. 

But this is where I rest— If he strips the shallow associations away to tighten my core square and true tribe, I’m with it. If He allows me to experience a season of isolation, it’s doable because I know His heart posture towards me when it’s time to elevate.

If he allowed me to write one book, He’ll allow me to do it again. If one job ends, the next one awaits. If my family is uprooted and disregarded, protection is the measure, and we shall still eat and do life merrily. If respect isn’t given here, the next place has it all. If I’ve survived in seasons with scarcity all around me, He’ll allow me to do it again. If my ideas are shot down here and intimidation tries to dictate my moves, I’ll store them up and release them elsewhere. If I’ve received 100 nos, I’ll patiently await my yes, knowing that God’s timing is perfect.  

I am aware that His vision for my life is far greater than I can see, and if He’s allowed me to do anything in almost 40 years, He’s allowed me to tap into the gifts on the inside. He’s hidden me when life has wanted to pull on me prematurely. He’s guarded my heart and shown me how to praise my way through it all. He’s been my ultimate protector and very best friend.

If I have to bite my tongue in one season, He’ll restore every word unspoken in due time. Where He gifted me to dig one well, He’ll allow me to dig again. 

And again. And again. Even again. 

As long as He abides in me and I in Him, it’s always another well on the horizon. Just wait and see. 🤎